I want to start by saying how sorry I am that you had to find out this way. By the time you read this, I will have already left. I can’t tell you where I’m going, because that would defeat the purpose. I left my key under the rug and I’ve cleared out the rest of my things while you were out.
I wish we could’ve talked about this in person, but you never want to see me anymore, or at least talk to me on the phone. I feel like it’s been ages since I’ve heard your voice and I can’t tell you how much I miss it.
You’ve hurt me, Flora. You’ve hurt me so much I couldn’t find the words to describe it as much as I tried. No one in my life has ever hurt me as much as you have, and it pains me even more because you supposedly love me. That’s what you told me. I keep looking over our conversations and reading about how much you loved me, how happy I made you, and how no one had ever made you feel this way before. It breaks my heart how in such a short time, that person who said she really wants this to work completely vanished. I sit here every day and cry because it feels like you’ve just suddenly died. It feels like that person whom I gave my heart to just doesn’t exist anymore. My soul shatters every time I think about how I’ll never get to hold her again, how I’ll never make her smile again, how I’ll never hear her tell me she loves me again. You’ve abandoned me. I am devastated beyond words and I can’t begin to tell you how betrayed I feel. I’ve lost 12 pounds in the past four weeks, I think it might be a record for me. Guess I don’t need much food when I’m not doing much living.
I don’t understand how you can be like this. I don’t understand how you can one day tell me you love me so much, and the next act like I’m a monster for no reason. I don’t understand how you can be this harsh with me. I don’t understand how you can be so uncaring and unkind. How you can be so cold and indifferent. I don’t understand how someone who’s been through everything you have, and who’s suffered so much in the past, can often be so cruel and inconsiderate of others’ feelings. I don’t understand how you can’t see how much you mean to me and how much, how much I wanted to make you feel loved and safe. How much of myself I wanted to give to you. Everything I am, every fiber of my being, I was always yours. I don’t understand how you can’t see me. How you won’t even take a little time to talk to me about what happened. I don’t understand why you think I deserve this. There are a lot of things I don’t understand about what happened, and I am completely paralyzed by it. But you don’t care.
As sad as I am, I am also angry with you. I am so angry about how stupid you can be, how easily you gave up, and how you force yourself to stay hung up on things that ultimately, we could have overcome easily. Easily. And I know deep down you know this, I know you do, but you’re so stupid, you’re so stupid, Flora, that you will latch onto anything to attack me and to attack us. You’re so stubborn, you’re so busy looking for signs that say we can’t be together that you can’t see the ones that say we can. I honestly get the feeling that you don’t think you deserve to be happy, or that you’re not good enough. You’ve actually told me this a few times and it makes me so angry that you’re this stupid. I’m angry because you never really trusted me to be everything I told you I was. It always felt like you were trying to find an excuse, anything, no matter how small, a reason to prove to yourself that I couldn’t really love you as much as I did and that I wasn’t really as honest as I said I was. But I did, Flora, and I was. I love you so goddamn much and it makes me so goddamn angry that you couldn’t accept the truth that I was madly in love with you and I would’ve done anything for you. I still would.
I feel so worthless and unappreciated. I challenge you to think of anyone before me who’s ever been as good to you, as patient, and as loving as I have. Go on, take a minute. Even with the times I made you mad – were you always fair, by the way? – think of someone else who’s given so much of themselves to you and who’s wanted more for you than I have. Think of someone who’s treated you the way I have. Think of someone else who’s ever seen you like I do. Think of someone who’s ever willingly taken so much of your crap. In spite of all this, I often felt unappreciated. Like you didn’t see all this, or didn’t care for it. I used to think I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t love you enough, I didn’t do enough, but I don’t believe that anymore. I threw all the love in the world at you, and all it did was bounce off you.
Despite all this pain and all this anger, despite how awful you sometimes treat me and how unkindly you sometimes talk to me, almost like you hate me, I would give anything to have you again. To hold you. To kiss you. To tell you how much I love you and how much I’ve missed you. You will never know. You will never truly know just how much you mean to me, and you will never truly know just how committed I was to you. I would’ve given you everything and it would have made me the happiest man alive. Despite everything, I still would. I can’t extinguish what I feel for you and deep down, in the bottom of my heart, I pray every day that you’ll come back to me. That you’ll come “bother” me. I would let you bother me for the rest of my life.
You’re everywhere I look. I can’t even see the color green anymore without thinking of you. Every single time I go outside, without fail, I see the same make of car as yours on the street and it reminds me of you. Of driving with you. Of going to your parents on Sundays. Of talking about being more to each other. Of breaking up. I walk around my house and it’s a cemetery of memories we’ve made in our time together. There isn’t an inch of this house where I don’t see you. I can’t get you out of my head and as much as it hurts, I don’t know that I’d want to. These painful memories are all I have left of you. As much as they hurt me, I don’t want to lose them.
You’ve heard some of this before and I know it’s all in vain. I know there’s nothing I could ever say to make you truly understand how I feel. I know because I’ve tried again and again. It might move you in the moment, but the next day it’ll be like it never happened. Like you never heard a single word I said. It will have all been for nothing. All my words will get lost and they’ll be forgotten just as easily as you blink. That’s what always happens. It’ll happen this time too.
The pain has become unbearable, Pepper. I simply can no longer stand it. I am withering away, and every last bit of my will is fading with each tear I shed. You have broken me. All I ever wanted was to give you all the love you could ever wish for. Even more. All I ever wanted was to make you happy. I still do. So, so much. And you won’t even see me. You won’t even give me peace. I just wanted a conversation. I needed it. And you wouldn’t even give me that. That’s how little you think of me.
I can’t do this anymore.
I am sorry.
I love you truly and I forgive you.