I’d Still Like To

– Telekinesis.

– Really?

– Yeah, of course.

– That’s kind of boring.

– What? No, think about it; it’s basically all the coolest superpowers bundled into one.

– How do you mean?

– Well, since you can manipulate stuff with your mind, you can also manipulate your own body, so you can basically fly whenever you want. Then you’ve got super strength, ’cause like, I guess the more you work at it, the more powerful your… power is, right? And the easier it is to just smash everything in sight.

– Yeah, but that’s not really super strength, because you’re just doing it with your mind, not your actual… body.

– Well yeah, you are doing everything with your mind, but you can still pretend like you’re punching something really hard, you know? Like throw your fist at a wall and just smash it with your mind as it hits it, so it’s kinda the same thing. The point is the effect is the same as if you had actual, physical super strength, it doesn’t really matter that you’re actually doing it with your mind, you know?

– Alright, I’ll give you super strength, you make a good point.

– Of course I do. Oh, hey, watch out, there’s some ice.

– Oh, thanks.

– I finally got to meet you in person, wouldn’t want you slipping away from me just yet.

– Alright, so we’ve got flight and super strength. You’ve also got super speed, ’cause you can just manipulate your body to move really fast. And then there’s the actual part where you can manipulate stuff with your mind, like you’re sitting on the couch and the remote’s all the way on the table and you don’t have to reach for it or anything.

– Haha, yeah, great use for it, way to go!

– Well that’s during your time off, you gotta have a little R&R from time to time when you’re not out fighting supervillains and saving the world, right? Even superheroes need to just sit back and watch Netflix all day from time to time.

– Of course, of course.

– And when you are out fighting bad guys, think about how easy it all is. Oh no, Dark Asshole’s got hostages inside a building and wait, there are bombs everywhere and he’s gonna blow them up and no one can do anything because he’s holding the detonator! What ever will we do?! Well, I’ll just look at him for a second and pop his brain inside his skull. Done.

– What?! You can’t kill people!

– But he’s an asshole, it says so right in his name.

– But you’re a superhero, you’re supposed to be a role model to everyone, you have to be better than this.

– Oh man, you’re such a party pooper. Can I still hurt him, though?

– I mean, do you have to?

– Well no, but I could just instantly break all his fingers with my mind so he can’t press the button on the thingy. That could be fun.

– Oh my god, no, you can’t hurt him gratuitously.

– But what if my superhero name is Captain Gratuitous?

– Haha, shut up, it’s not! You can’t hurt him!

– Alright, alright. Well I’ll just freeze his fingers in place and literally walk up to him and take it out of his hand. Ooooh, you know what would be cool? Since I can do whatever I want with his body…

– You kind of like that, don’t you?

– Shut up, I mean control it with my mind.

– Sure, sure.

– So I can just literally have him walk over and hand it to me. Then I can just have him walk to the police and let himself get handcuffed. Boom. Done. I could even make him do a little sissy dance, haha. What a dweeb.

– You are not allowed to humiliate your enemies! You are a beacon of moral…

– Alright, alright, take all the fun out of being a superhero!

– No I’m not!

– But that was my whole point, see how easy it is to just stop bad guys? You literally just have to show up at the scene and it’s basically all over. ‘Cause like, what are they gonna do? Nothing. You control everything with your mind. Bullets, flames, whatever, literally everything. And you can also fly, you’re fast, you’re strong. You’ve got it all! And that is why I posit that telekinesis is the absolute best superpower you can have.

– Wow. You know what, that does sound kind of cool. Yeah, alright, it’s true. You’ve given this some thought, huh?

– Well I wouldn’t… necessarily say that, I mean… I mean I am kind of a nerd, but like… it’s just something that’s passed through my mind, you know, I didn’t, like, sit down to write pros and cons to all the superpowers… you know?

– Yeah, yeah, nerd boy.

– Hey! It’s Captain Nerd Boy!

– Haha, my apologies, Captain!

– So what’s your favorite superpower?

– Well I was gonna say teleportation, but that just seems dumb now, I wanna have telekinesis like you!

– Teleportation’s pretty cool too, though.

– Myeah. Oof, I’m kinda freezing. I love the park, but next time we’re going someplace warm.

– Next time, huh? Don’t go easy on me just yet, it’ll go to my head, and I still have a lot of impressing I want to do.

– Aw, you don’t need to try and impress me.

– I’d still like to, though.

– Here, take my scarf, it’ll help a little.

– No, no, you’ll freeze!

– No I won’t, come on, I’ll be fine.

– But it’s so cold!

– Don’t worry, I’m fine, here.

– Alright, there we go, is that better?

– Much better, thank you, you’re sweet!

– Just doing my job, little lady. A hero’s work is never finished, and wrapping scarves around beautiful girls is my favorite part of the job.

– Oh yeah? Do you often keep girls warm, Captain?

– Oh, you may have my scarf now, but I assure you, it’s you who’s keeping me warm.

– What do you mean?

– I mean…