Jerry the Cancer

Meet Jerry, the friendliest terminal cancer you’ve ever seen.

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Jerry the Cancer

Hi there! I know this may come as a shock to you, but I’m Jerry, your lung cancer. Boy, this is awkward. You look a bit pale, should we take a break here, or… OK, no, let’s just get this over with. That’s right, you have lung cancer; I’m not surprised, but anyway. First of all, I would like to thank you; after all, all that smoking is why I’m here today, so cheers to that, I’m quite grateful.

Uhm, I can see you’re not as psyched as I am, understandably so. I do have one more tiny bit of information for you… Well, it’s quite essential, I would imagine… Uhm… Not really that tiny… But anyway, I’m terminal, so there it is. Yup, unfortunately for you, I’m going to kill you. Hey, no, it’s not like that, I don’t really want to, you actually seem like a decent person – not very bright, on account of my existence, but still a pretty decent person, I’m sure. Listen, I’m just doing my job, you know how it is. I show up, make a mess of things, rid the world of one more ignorant idiot, and I’m done. You’re right, I’m sorry, I should be more sensitive considering the news I just gave you. But hey, what did you expect? What did you think was going to happen each time you lit up another one? Sure, you could have gotten away with it unharmed, so many do, right? I guess you were just one of the unlucky ones. Tough luck, my friend.

Well, I guess I should go now, leave you with your thoughts and everything. After all, those lungs aren’t going to destroy themselves, right? Yeah, anyway… See you around, I guess; hopefully later rather than sooner, right? Take care! Or… not, it’s not like it matters anymore, but… you know…

Right, OK, goodbye now!